The End of It All
by icheeseflip13
Summary: "How could he leave me, tell me!Tell me why I couldn't do anything, why I have to be such a screw-up that I couldn't save my boyfriend,I couldn't save my sister,I couldn't help anyone!"I'm screaming, and my throat is red and raw.Tears are steadily streaming down my cheeks."I want to understand!"I shriek shrilly, hysterical."I want to understand!"
1. Meet Blaine

Hi! So this is a story I've been working on that was originally supposed to be a 'verse, but my brother gave me the idea to have it told in flashbacks. Basically, every story is a flashback Blaine is having, and it will end when we get up to the present, and then the epilogue. Blaine and Kurt meet in Laryngitis. Kurt has been pretending to be straight his whole life for his dad. Blaine and Kurt are the same age. And yeah, that's all you need to know. Most will be short, I'm sorry :( Happy reading! Tell me if I should continue, I have a lot written out already :)

"No." Blaine says firmly from under the covers. "I'm not getting up. I'm not going to school. I should just stay here and die too."  
"Blaine! Don't you dare talk like that! You have to go to school! It's been a week!" His mother says.  
"I don't care."  
Ever since he found out about Kurt, Blaine has been in bed, only getting up to eat or use the bathroom. He looks like a zombie, a shell of himself.  
"Come on, please? For me?" His mother pleads. Blaine pulls the covers off his head and his mom resists the urge to gasp. Blaine's hair is knotted and messy and look like it hasn't been brushed or washed for weeks. His eyes are bloodshot, red and puffy. His entire face is red.  
"Don't you get it, Mom? Kurt's dead. Dead! I'm a failure. I failed to keep the love of my life alive. We were going to get married, Mom. I was going to propose at graduation."  
"A graduation that you won't be able to be in if you don't go to school."  
"I don't give a fuck." Blaine snaps angrily. "Leave me alone and let me wallow in misery in peace."  
"Blaine." His mother warns.  
"Leave. Me. Alone!" He screams.  
"That's it, Blaine. You will get dressed and go to school or else." She threatens. They both know the or else means that she'll get Blaine's dad- which is never a good thing.  
Blaine, sulking, gets up and gets dressed. He glares at himself in the mirror.  
"You should have known. You were his boyfriend. You should have saved him."  
Where did this all begin? It all started two years ago, when a young boy of sixteen fell off a bike...

Kurt's bike was sometimes his only escape, when music wasn't enough, when nothing could make him feel better, he would hop on his bike and just ride, blaring music min his ears and ignoring the glares of people he passed. Today, though, he was angry. He had been pretending for so long, to be this perfect, straight son, when in reality, he loved to shop, he hated football, he loved hanging out with girls, and would rather take stolen glances at the guys than be friends with them.

Yes, Kurt was gay, and he hated it. He hated having to pretend to be someone else to please his family. He hated having girlfriends and wearing ugly flannels and listening to Mellencamp and playing football. It wasn't fair! There was nothing he could do about this- nothing! That's what he hated the most- having no control. He hated it more than pretending, more than Finn Hudson, more than feeling his girlfriend's tongue in his mouth. He shuddered even thinking of his girlfriend.

I am so done with this, he thinks, pushing harder on his pedals. Suddenly the bike spins out of control and he finds himself on the ground next to a large rock, his bike laying on his leg.

"Ouch." He mutters. He tries to stand up, but feeling light headed, succeeds in only falling right back down.

"That looked like a nasty fall. You alright?" He hears. Looking up, he sees a short boy with curly black hair, tanned skin and an inviting, warm, infectious smile that makes Kurt's heart beat faster.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Then why are you crying?" Kurt puts his hand to his face, and sure enough, he's crying. Great, he thinks, Just what I need. Damn tears, they don't solve anything.

"Um, there was just... wind when I was riding so quickly. My eyes started tearing." He lies. The boy looks unconvinced, but smiles again and says, "Oh. You need a hand?"

"Yeah, that would be great. Thank you." Though he's still a bit dizzy, Kurt's able to stand this time. "Oh, I forgot to ask you- what's your name?" The boy laughs. Kurt thinks it's the most wonderful sound in the world.

"My name's Blaine."

"Kurt."

"Look, I know this may be a bit weird- but I can tell something's wrong. Are you sure you're alright?" Kurt is awed by the fact that this stranger actually cares about him- that's more than he could say for his own brother. Against his will Kurt feels his lip quiver and his eyes fill with tears.

"No." He whispers.

"C'mon." The boy- Blaine, Kurt reminds himself, says. "Let's go get coffee."


	2. Coffee

Hi! So, I forgot to tell you guys last chapter- the 'intermissions' are the present day, and then there are the flashbacks that tell the story. By the end, the flashbacks will catch up to the present day. So yeah, that's it, hopefully enjoy the story!

Intermission 1

The world seems too big now that I'm out of my dark room. I know I look terrible, but I can't bring myself to care. Grumbling, I grab a granola bar and head off to school. The last time I was there, well… I laugh humorlessly. I'm not going to be able to go in there without breaking down- but my mother doesn't give a shit, of course.

My normal way of getting to school is on my bike. I remember how I first met Kurt... and push the thought out of my mind as my eyes fill with tears. I jump onto the bike and start pedaling, as quickly as I can. I check my watch. I curse. It's 7:47- I was supposed to be at school at 7:30! I get to school and rush in, going to my locker, grabbing my books and heading to class.

"Sorry I'm late, Miss!" I say, frantic and breathless. She looks up from her desk and her eyes fill with sympathy.  
"So you're back." She says quietly. "It's okay, take a seat." My blood boils. I don't want special treatment because my boyfriend... passed... I want to be treated normally! I take my regular seat next to Karofsky, but instead of sneering and jeering at me like he normally does, he leans over and whispers, "I'm sorry about Kurt, dude."

I grit my teeth. I want to yell at him and tell him about what the note said. I want to get up and scream how this is his fault, but I don't. I just look down at my desk and say through my teeth,

"Don't be. I don't want your sympathy." Karofsky shrugs and starts drawing on his desk. Bored, I start to draw too, in my notebook. The notebook he bought me. I sigh.

The bell finally rings, and I jump out of my seat eagerly. I go through the rest of the motions, until last period. Glee club. I stand outside the door, hands shaking. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and open the door. Oh god.

Everything in here reminds me of him. The chairs I sat in with him when I pretended to listen to Mr. Shue but really thinking about our intertwined hands and about how in hell I managed to get such a perfect boyfriend.

The decorations we all made together in the beginning of the year. I remember he seemed so happy that day...  
And then Mr. Shue comes in with coffee.

"Hey everyone, I got you all some coffee, because you all seem exhausted!" He says in an obviously fake cheery voice. Coffee. Right after we met, I took Kurt out for coffe, and he told me his story...

Kurt is quiet at the other end of the table. We've been sitting there in silence since we got our coffee.

"Hey, Kurt... I know we're strangers... but you can talk to me." I coax. I can tell he needs someone to talk to.

"I'm gay." He whispers, almost inaudibly. That takes me by surprise.

"So?" I say, confused.

"I've never told anyone that before." He says, still hushed.

"Oh." We sit there in silence once again.

"So you're not going to beat me or call me a fag or anything?" I wince at the slur.

"No, Kurt. I am too." He visibly relaxes.

"I've never met anyone like me." He murmurs. I smile sadly at him. "Are you... out?"

"Yeah." I reply. "Last year."

"Oh." We sit there in yet another awkward, but somewhat comforting silence.

"You won't judge me?" He asks. I shake my head.

"Of course not." He takes a deep breath. "I've been pretending to be someone I'm not for as long as I remember. I don't even remember who I am- I just know that this is not it." He gestures to his clothes. "I hate these clothes. I hate playing football and I hate kissing my girlfriend." His voice is getting louder and stronger now. "I love broadway musicals and hanging out with girls. I hate hanging out with rowdy, unsanitary, violent boys. I would rather gaze at them secretly with the girls."

"I love singing and dancing. I want to be on broadway one day- but I'm a countertenor. I sing like a girl, and only people who are... gay do that." He spits out the word gay like it's a curse.

"Hey." I warn. "That's kind of offensive." He smiles apologetically.

"Sorry." He mumbles.

"Keep going." I reply.

"So... there's this boy- Finn Hudson. My dad, he's always been really lonely. So I introduced him to Carole Hudson, Finn's mom. They hit it off. I'd never seen my dad happier."

"Things were good until my dad asked Carole to move in with us. Finn and my dad started hanging out all the time, and my dad stopped paying attention to me. I started hating Finn. But then... well, Finn and I had to share a room... and Finn, he found all of my broadway music and fashionable clothes and... and them he looked at me, and laughed and he said, 'What are you, some kind of faggot?'"

"I just looked at him and he knew. He looked so disgusted I just... I ran. I got on my bike ad just... kept going. I didn't even know where. I fell over a rock and... that's where you found me." Kurt's crying now, and I take my hand is his to comfort him. He gapes at me, and I just look at him and say,

"It'll be alright."


	3. First Kiss

Intermission 2

Blaine rushes out of Glee rehearsal, tears in his eyes. He'd thought that he'd gotten rid of them all, but apparently there were more. He runs to the nearest empty room he can find (the janitor's closet) and starts to sob. Suddenly, he hears the door open, just a crack.

"Blaine?" He hears Finn say. Blaine rubs the tears off his face and tries to look normal.

"Yeah?" He replies.

"Can- can I come in?" Finn asks nervously.

"Knock yourself out." Blaine answers bitterly. Finn timidly steps inside. Blaine is surprised at the way the giant is acting- normally he's so self-assured and confident- or so it seems. Finn sits down next to Blaine. Suddenly he says,

"Do you miss him?" Blaine automatically knows who Finn is talking about.

"Of course I do." He says quietly.

"I was an awful brother." Finn says at the same volume. "I made him miserable." Blaine doesn't argue. He's lost in his mind.

"You know, I remember the first time he kissed me. It was one of the best moments of my life."

* * *

"So then Wes, covered in syrup, tries to throw a pillow at David, but the pillow sticks to his hand!" Kurt starts laughing hysterically and he looks adorable. The way his eyes light up and the way he throws his head back. It sounds like music to my ears.

I've been crushing on Kurt since we met. We'd gone on a few dates since then, and I still haven't gotten the guts to kiss him. I take his hand in mine and he smiles at me, his eyes lighting up even more. I bite my lip and say, "Hey Kurt?"

"Yeah?" Still biting my lip, I say nervously,

"What are we?" He takes a deep breath.

"Well, we've been on seven dates, correct?" I nod. I didn't realize he'd been counting too. "And we hold hand and flirt and stuff, right?" Again I nod. "Well..." Kurt looks at me and I realize he is also incredibly nervous.

"I was kind of hoping..." Suddenly I realize we've now turned our heads toward each other and we were so close. I could just lean forward and-

Instead it is Kurt who leans forward. Our lips meet and, as cliché as this sounds, I saw fireworks.

I pull back, looking into his bright eyes, which are currently green, and they are as wide as saucers. I smile.

"Was that... was that okay?" He stutters.

"You idiot." I say affectionately, and I can't help it, I kiss him again and push him against the back of a car. I pull back again, running my hands through my hair nervously.

"Wow." Is all I can seem to say.

"So are we... are we boyfriends?" He questions.

"Well, I don't make it a habit of kissing people who aren't my boyfriend." I reply teasingly.

"Dork." He says to me.

"But you love me anyway." I say, then realize my mistake. I am horrified. Apparently it is written all over my face, because he laughs and says,

"Oh Blaine, Blaine, Blaine, what am I ever going to do with you? Now um, I kind of need a ride home..."

"Oh... right... duh." We get into the car and put on the radio.

_Made a wrong turn_

_Once or twice_

_Dug my way out blood and fire._

_Bad decisions thats alright. _

_Welcome to my silly life_

_Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood, Miss Know-it-it's-all-good, _

_it didn't slow me down._

I sing along, looking at Kurt. He smiles, and sings along with me.

_Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated, look I'm still around._

I marvel at Kurt's voice.

_Pretty pretty please, if you ever, ever feel, like you're less than_

_Fucking Perfect_

_Pretty pretty please, if you ever, ever feel, like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me._

_You're so mean_

_When you talk 'bout yourself_

_You are wrong._

_Change the voices, in your head._

_Make them like you_

_Instead._

_So complicated, look how bad we'll make it_

_Filled with so much hatred_

_Such a tired game._

_It's enough, I don't know I can think of,_

_She's down on my demons,_

_I see you do the same. Oh, oh,_

_Pretty pretty please, if you ever, ever feel, like you're less than_

_Fucking Perfect_

_Pretty pretty please, if you ever, ever feel, like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me._

_The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear,_

_The only thing I should be drinkin' is an ice cold beer_

_So cool in line and we try try try_

_But we try too hard and it's a waste of my time._

_I'm done lookin' for the critics 'cause they're everywhere_

_They don't like my jeans,_

_They don't get my hair._

_Change ourselves and we do it all the time,_

_Why do we do that? Why do I do that?_

_Why do I do that?_

_Yeah!_

Kurt belts out the note and I look at him in amazement. I've never seen Kurt so happy and out of his shell.

_Woah, oh pretty pretty please..._

_Pretty pretty please,_

_If you ever ever feel like you're nothing,_

_You're fucking perfect_

_To me._

The song finishes and we look at each other.

"Well, what do you know? We found our song, Kurt." Kurt just smiles and hums an unrecognizable tune.


	4. Meet the Warblers

**Here is the update I promise you all. Hope you like it & my version of Wes, David… etc…**

**-Jordan**

Blaine ran out of the school after his talk with Finn, getting to his car, and driving away. He started to drive home, but then he realized: a, he didn't want to go home and face his mother, and b, he had to tell the Warbler's about Kurt. Groaning, he changed course and drove to Dalton Academy. Surprised by how big it seemed, he jumped out of the car and walked briskly inside.

He knew the Warbler's were currently in rehearsal. As he gets closer to the rehearsal room, he hears music getting progressively louder.

He listens outside for a moment.

_Hey Soul sister,_

_Ain't that Mister Mister_

_On the radio,_

_Stereo the way you move ain't fair ya know_

_Hey Soul sister,_

_I don't wanna miss a single thing you do…_

_Oh… tonight…_

He walks inside and the Warbler's stop abruptly.

"Blaine? What are you doing here?" Wes asks in his strict, no-nonsense Warbler's voice. Blaine looks down at the floor.

"I have news." He says sadly.  
"We are in the middle of rehearsal. Can it wait?"

"It's waited long enough."

"Blaine, come here." Blaine walks over to the council desk. Wes lowers his voice. "We're in the middle of rehearsal, Blaine. Please can you come afterwards?"

"It's really important. It's about Kurt. I came because I was wondering if you guys had heard the news."

"What news?"

"Just let me announce it, please. It's important."

"Fine."

Wes bangs the gavel on the table. "I want you all to listen to Blaine. It'll be short, right Blaine?" He glares at Blaine.

"Yeah, short." He replies nervously. "So, this is for those of you who knew Kurt Hummel…" Many students nod in acknowledgement. One speaks up, "Wait, _knew?"_ He clears his throat.

"He um… Kurt passed away a week ago." A few of them gape. Some look sad, and others have tears in their eyes. Those who didn't look thoughtful or surprised.

"How?" Someone asks.

"He, he…" Blaine stutters for a moment, looking down at the floor. "He killed himself." The room is thrust into an uproar of What?'s and oh my god's and commotion.

"Silence!" Wes demands. Everyone immediately goes quiet. Jeff steps up to me. "Hey Blaine, I'm really-"

I cut him off. "Sorry? _I'm _sorry, but I've heard that too many times over the past week." Jeff smiles sadly an steps back.

"I remember the first day we met him." David said quietly. This was the first time he'd spoken. He had an almost wistful smile on his face. Blaine returns the same smile.

"He loved you guys. He thought you were hilarious, great friends. That day was great."

* * *

I smile as Kurt bounces up and down in the seat.

"Oh Blaine, what if they don't like me? What if they think I'm too girly, or not good enough for you, or I'm weird-"

"Hey." I interrupt. "They're going to love you. You're not girly or weird, Kurt, don't worry. And as for being too good for me, it's the opposite."

"Liar." He replies playfully, sticking out his tongue. He tries to calm down, but is still nervously shifting in his seat.

"Hey, calm down. You're going to be fine." He leans over and gives me a chaste kiss on the cheek.

"Thanks." We pull in to the parking lot at Dalton, and Kurt pulls his door open hastily and paces around the car.

"Blaine, I'm going to mess this up, and they're going to hate me, and then they're going to convince you to break up with me and-"

"Kurt, I'm not going to break up with you, even if they don't like you, which they will. Please stop worrying. You'll be fine." Kurt bites his lip but smiles when I grab his hand, and we walk in together. All of a sudden, we are bombarded with a mass of rowdy high school boys. They jump on me, which means they also jump on Kurt. Kurt shrieks and I laugh hysterically.

"Guys, stop mauling my boyfriend!" I yell over the commotion. They quickly get off of us and Jeff says,

"Oh, so we finally get to meet the boyfriend, huh?" He turns to Kurt. "Ever since you guys started dating, Blaine has been walking around singing that P!nk song constantly and playing on a loop, and as his roommate, it drives me insane!" I turn beet red.

"JEFF!" Jeff smirks at me. Kurt turns to me and says,

"Don't worry, my friends almost killed me because I wouldn't stop singing that song, either." I laugh, relieved, but glare at Jeff anyway.

"So? You going to introduce us or what?" My boyfriend says. I blush again and say, "Guys! Listen up!" This is mainly directed at Wes and David, who are having a fake fight like the first graders they typically resemble with their actions, and Nick and Jeff who have been staring at each other for just too long. "This is my boyfriend, Kurt. Kurt, this is Nick-" I point to the brunette- "Jeff-" I point at the talkative boy- "Wes-" I point to the childish head of the Warbler council- "and David." I finish pointing at the also immature council member.

"Hi." Kurt says timidly. I blink, because wow, I have never seen Kurt so… completely vulnerable, besides the day I met him.  
Wes walks up to Kurt. "As Blaine's best friend-"

"Hey!" David interrupts. "What about me?" Wes waves a hand at David.

"Oh, hush you. So, as I was saying before I was _rudely interrupted, _I am Blaine's best friend and it is my duty to tell you that if you ever, ever hurt Blaine here, we will come to your house, shave your head, and steal all of your clothes. Including the ones you might be wearing. Kurt nods his head frantically, and I gape at Wes."

"Okay, so, how about we go up to the dorms and play some Xbox?" Nick says. Kurt's eyes light up.

"Ooh, yay, do you have Call of Duty?" We stare at him, open mouthed. "Oh, close your mouths before flies fly in. Anyways, Finn got me into it, and I'm actually really good. I bet I can kick any of your asses at it." David raises an eyebrow.

"Think you can beat the master than?" He says mischievously. Kurt smirks.

"Is that a challenge?"

"Oh, definitely." David replies. They run upstairs to the dorms, Kurt already completely comfortable with my best friends. I smile and head up to the dorm with them.

They spend around an hour playing Call of Duty (and Kurt was right. He did kick all of their asses at it) when Kurt sits up suddenly.

"Hey, a little bird told me you guys love pranks, right?" They all nod eagerly. "Well…" Kurt says with another smirk on his face. "I have someone that deserves a scare… and I know exactly how to do it."

I can happily and positively surely say that Dave Karofsky woke up to quite a surprise the next day.


	5. Funeral

**This chapter has no flashbacks- this is Kurt's funeral. No flashbacks this chapter. I hope it's written well- I've only ever been to one funeral, so sorry if it is unrealistic or doesn't seem like something that would actually happen. But then, my stories are never practical so… here you go! Hopefully enjoy ;)**

The car ride to Kurt's funeral is awkward, to say the least. Burt is silent with a stony face and I'm trying not to cry already, because it's Kurt's _funeral, _my boyfriend's funeral! I sigh and run my hands through my hair, a nervous habit of mine. A habit Kurt had too. Dammit! I wish my brain would shut up.

"So um, I… thanks for driving me." I stutter. I just want anything but silence, so my mind doesn't get the best of me. Burt grunts gruffly.

"No problem, kid. You meant so much to him…" He smiles sadly at me.

"Yeah, well apparently I wasn't enough." I mumble. The car abruptly stops. I jerk back and stare at Burt. He is glaring at me, with a hard look I've never seen from him.

"Don't you dare blame yourself for this." He snaps, much like Kurt. I stare at him, stunned.

"I could have done more." I say. " I was the only one who knew what he was doing to himself. I could have told someone. And now he's landed up just like my sister." Burt looks thrown off.

"Your sister?" I slam my eyes shut and will the world to go away I never meant to tell anyone about my sister. Lisa.

"I… please don't ask." I whimper. He nods, starting the car back up. The rest of the drive is silent.

We arrive at the funeral. It is outside, in a park, at Kurt's request. He didn't believe in God, so he would roll over in his grave if he had his funeral in a church.

My eyes blur yet again, like they do whenever I think of him. Burt stands up and clears his throat. We all take a seat in the white fold-out chairs facing the coffin. I shudder looking at it- my boyfriend is in there. I glance sadly at the picture in from of it- I gave them that picture. It's a picture of him sprawled out on a picnic blanket, laughing. You can clearly see his ring glinting in the light. I smile slightly, a sad and regretful smile. Burt clears his throat.

"Hi." He says. "Welcome. Thank you all for coming out. Kurt would've been surprised by the turnout." I look around. Everyone is there- family, friends, even Mr. Shue and Ms. Sylvester. "So, this is not a regular funeral, But Kurt wouldn't have wanted a normal funeral. We are just going to have a few people come up to say goodbye. First we have Mr. Shuester." Mr. Shue stands up and nervously walks to the front.

"Hello everyone." He greets. "Kurt was one of my students. He was one of the first people in Glee club. Kurt was very special. Not just having an incredible voice, Kurt had a special… resilience that astonished me. He just picked himself up by his bootstraps. He was one of my best Spanish students too- he had all A's, always trying his hardest in all of his classes and being a great example to everyone else. He was an amazing person, someone who others could look up to. Some only saw him for his sexuality and couldn't look past that, but once you got past that, you found an incredible person and…" Will's voice cracks. "And I wish I could have seen it. I wish I could have done something. But now it's too late. You know, despite his toughness and how strong he was, there was always something… a bit off. His smile would fade too quickly. His eyes would dart around nervously. He was always moving in some way. I should have noticed it. But again, now it's too late. So I have to accept… that I've failed." A tear falls down his cheek. "Alright, um, it says here Blaine Anderson is next?" He says. I take a sharp intake of breath and walk up. Mr. Shue pats me on the shoulder on his way down.

"Hey." I nervously mumble. "Um, Kurt… he was very special to me. He was my everything." My voice is quiet- I am afraid to go any louder, for fear of breaking out into tears.

"Kurt gave me the happiest two years of my life. He got me through the death of my sister. He helped me get past old memories and mental scars. You know, before he did this, I was going to propose at graduation." I laugh humorlessly. "And now he's gone. He's _gone._ I was the only person who knew about all of his issues…. I could have helped…. I could have saved him. But I didn't, and now we're here. If you don't mind, I'd really like to express how I feel in the only way I know how. Through music." Burt told me I could perform a song at the ceremony, so I chose one close to my heart.

"This is called _Slipped Away _By Avril Lavigne." I tell them. A few heads nod in recognition. I start strumming on my guitar and begin to sing.

_Na na, na na na, na na  
I miss you, miss you so bad  
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad  
I hope you can hear me  
I remember it clearly_

I close my eyes and just focus on the music.

_The day you slipped away  
Was the day I found it won't be the same  
Oh…._

Na na na na na na na….

I didn't get around to kiss you  
Goodbye on the hand  
I wish that I could see you again  
I know that I can't

Oh  
I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away  
Was the day I found it won't be the same  
Oh

My voice cracks but I ignore it.

_I had my wake up  
Won't you wake up  
I keep asking why  
And I can't take it  
It wasn't fake  
It happened, you passed by_

Now you are gone, now you are gone  
There you go, there you go  
Somewhere I can't bring you back  
Now you are gone, now you are gone  
There you go, there you go,  
Somewhere you're not coming back

Tears stream freely down my face. I open my eyes.

_The day you slipped away  
Was the day I found it won't be the same no..  
The day you slipped away  
Was the day that I found it won't be the same oh..._

Na na, na na na, na na  
I miss you…..

I finish the song. Sniffling, I stand back on the podium.

"As I said before, Kurt was my everything. I don't really know… what I'm supposed to do… I just…" And then I break down yet again, right in front of everyone. I hang m head in shame and step down from the podium, running back quickly to my seat.  
The rest of the funeral is a blur of voice and colors. I feel nothing. I am completely numb. Nothing seems to matter. Something important is probably happening… and I can't bring myself to care.

Someone shakes me and I snap out of my head.  
"C'mon, kid, we're going back home." Burt says gruffly. I nod back in conformation and follow him for an equally as awkward car ride.


	6. Of Homophobes and I Love You's

I bite my lip as the car pulls in front of my house. My father is home. My homophobic, asshole father. Sighing, I get out of the car and try to erase all evidence that I was crying. He doesn't even know Kurt died; he's hardly ever home. When he is… I shudder.

"Goodbye, Mr. Hummel." I say politely.

"I told you, it's Burt." He says gruffly. "But goodbye, Blaine." I nervously walk up to the house and try to get in as quietly as I can. But as soon as the door softly closes, I hear a soft chuckle.

"That you, fairy boy?" I wince. It's never easy hearing the insults from my dad, no matter how used to it I am.

"Hello, father." I say, my head bowed down.

"So where were you today? Sucking your fag friend's face?" Anger boils inside me.

"Don't you dare call Kurt that!" I yell angrily. My dad walks over to me and I smell the strong stench of whiskey and god knows what else.

"Ooh, the queer's feisty today, ain't he?" He laughs. "Let's see how the little pussy likes this." I hear the slap before I feel it. My face stings and I can feel it swelling. Tears prick in my eyes but I stay still, willing myself to keep a strong and unaffected demeanor.

"Can you leave me alone, please?" I say, my voice quavering slightly.

"Oh, but don't go." He says in a tone that makes chills run down my spine. He narrows his eyes. "The fun has just begun." He cackles. All of a sudden I feel a fist come into contact with my stomach and I stumble backwards, crying out. I collide with the coffee table, knocking over a vase. The porcelain- porcelain, that's what Sue used to call Kurt- shatters on the floor. I get up quickly and run up the stairs, hastily closing the door to my room. Some days I wish I'd never come out to him. My father was a great one before I did. Neglectful, sure, but when he was around he was great. We'd play soccer and baseball and practically every sport you could imagine, he'd encourage me, protect me. I close my eyes and take a shuddering breath. I remember when Kurt came out. If only my dad was like Burt...

* * *

Kurt nervously taps his foot against the floor of the car. He twiddles his thumbs and bites his lip. His eyes dart around nervously. I smile comfortingly at him.

"Hey." I say when we stop at a light, putting my hand on his knee, half to comfort him, and half to stop his leg from shaking. "It's going to be fine, I promise." His glasz eyes stare into mine.

"What if it isn't?" He whispers. "It's not like you haven't heard of kids being thrown out of their houses, and beaten and neglected and…" He trails off. "And what if that happens to me?" He looks so… scared. I pull over.

"Kurt, I swear, it'll be fine. Worst comes to worst, you can come stay with me." I tell him.

"You have to come with me." He demands, glaring at me as if daring me to say no.

I nod. "Of course." I say, giving him a chaste kiss. "You ready for this?" He nods so I put the car in drive and we stay in silence until we get to the Hummel's. I get out of the car, and seeing that Kurt doesn't seem to be coming, go to the other side to get him. He's curled up in a ball and shaking. I abruptly notice that there are tears streaming down his face that he is failing to hide.

"Kurt?" I venture softly. "Can you pick your head up for me?" He slowly raises his head and I resist the urge to cry myself. I hate it when people I love cry. Love? Where did that come from?

"We are going to go in there, and we are going to tell you read." I say fiercely. "And he is going to accept you, and love you, just the way you are. And if he doesn't, well screw him, right?" Kurt smiles gratefully at me, his eyes swollen and red. "C'mon. Go get 'em, tiger." I joke. He looks at me intensely- I can't read all of his emotions.

"I love you." He says suddenly. I smile so wide I feel like my face is going to break.

"I- I love you too." I stutter. "Now come on. I'm going to be with you every step of the way."

We walk towards the house. Kurt nervously unlocks the door.

"Dad?" He calls nervously. A man with a bald head, looking around fifty, comes out to us in the hall.

"Hey son." He says, clamping Kurt on the back. Kurt nervously laughs. "Who's this?" I look to him, giving him a smile and offer my hand out. Kurt rolls his eyes, still fidgeting, but looking a bit more comfortable. "Blaine, sir." I tell him.

"Dad, Blaine is what you'd call 'dapper.' He is overly polite, annoyingly so." I glare at him playfully. He sticks his tongue out at me, which I return. Then he immediately turns serious, getting to the task at hand.

"Dad, I have something really important to tell you, and I asked Blaine to be here." Kurt says. I smile again at Mr. Hummel, albeit a little nervously this time. "Um, let's go to the living room." Mr. Hummel follows us and, somewhat confused, asks,

"What's up, Kurt?"

Dad…. I…" He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "For a long time, I've been trying to deny this. Everyone tells me it's wrong, and disgusting, and no one should be this way. But I can't help it. It's who I am and… and Blaine helped me accept that. Dad…. I'm… I'm gay." Mr. Hummel shrugs.

"And…?" He says, sounding even more confused.

"You… do you still love me?" Kurt asks in a small voice.

"Of course, kiddo. That's my job- to love you no matter what." Mr. Hummel gets up and hugs Kurt. Kurt buries his head in his father's shoulder and takes a shuddering breath. I smile. "Kurt, are you going to…" I trail off, but Kurt realizes what I mean.

"Um, there's also a reason Blaine is here." Kurt says. "Dad, this is Blaine Anderson… my boyfriend." Mr Hummel narrows his eyes.

"You gonna treat him right?" He questions gruffly. I nod vigorously.

"Kurt, is he good to you? Does he mean something to you?" Kurt nods too. Mr. Hummel smiles.

"Than welcome to the family kid." He says, clamping a hand on my back. "Call me Burt. You like football?" I grin too.

"Yeah, I love football. I can't play, I'm too small, but I love watching it." Kurt groans.

"Oh, c'mon Kurt, please?" I say, giving him what is known as my 'puppy dog eyes'.

"Fine." Kurt mutters. "Only 'cause I love you." I blush and butterflies fly around on my stomach.

"let's go watch the game." Mr Hummel- Burt says. We walk over and turn the TV on, settling down with Kurt pretending to watch while really reading Vogue (which we both knew) and Burt and I yelling at the fumbles and touchdowns. For the first time in a very long time, it felt like I had a family.


	7. Of Cuts and Scars

Chapter 7! I'm really happy right now, though I only have one follower (thank you to that follower) I really love writing this story. That's probably why I update it so much more than Abandoned… anyways, I hope you guys like this chapter. What does everyone think of Blaine's father? He's great, isn't he… well, here it is. Chapter 7. Trigger warning for this chapter: talk of and doing self-harm (not too graphic) and talk of suicide. Well, I guess talk of suicide should be a warning in every chapter...

I finally hear my father's footsteps echo and the door slam. I sigh in relief and get off the floor. I run up to my room and look into the mirror.

"Shit." I mumble. My cheek is red and swelling and my head is throbbing. Normally I would run to Kurt. But Kurt's gone. I bite my lip to keep from crying yet again and try to remember the technique he taught me for hiding my bruises. I walk over to my dresser and take out the cremes and makeup Kurt gave me. He was an expert at hiding bruises from getting bullied for so long. He also had to hide his scars…

I try in vain to block out the memory, sighing.

Grabbing the make-up and blending it to match my skin tone, I experiment the way Kurt told me to. It covers the bruise nicely. Sitting in my room now forces me to think. I don't want to think.

I tried so hard. But in the end, Kurt landed up just like my sister. Dead. Why couldn't I save the best thing in my life?

I knew. I was the only one who knew and yet I didn't do a thing. I could have told someone, got him help. But no, I tried to do it all myself. How could I be so stupid?

I knew about Kurt's cutting.

I knew about everything that was going on with him.

And yet i did nothing.

I feel something I've never felt before. Self-loathing. And quite frankly, it scares the shit out of me. Suddenly something catches my eye. My swiss army knife that dad got me for my birthday last year. Ive never used it; I don't like violence. But something sparks inside of me today.

If it's good enough for Kurt and Lisa, it's good enough for me…

I pick up the knife. I wonder if I'll feel that feeling that Kurt used to talk about… that wonderful sensation… I put the knife to my skin and pull quickly across, gritting my teeth. Blood slowly seeps out of the gash.

I gasp. How can they do this to themselves? It just feels like… pain. It doesn't feel good; it feels like exactly what it is; hurting myself.

When I found out… I never even dreamed I'd ever do this to myself.

* * *

"We have to stop." Kurt said, as always, as soon as things got heated enough to start taking any of his layers of clothing off. And I am fine with this; I'm not going to pressure him. But sometimes it feels like he just doesn't trust me.

"Kurt, look... I'm not trying to pressure you, but... Why do we always stop? Are you just not comfortable or... Do you just not trust me?" Kurt sighs and runs his hands through his hair, which I have learned that it means he's stressed out.

"Of course I trust you." He says slowly. "But Blaine, I... I have something to admit. I've been... Lying to you." At my sharp intake of breath he says, "Well, not so much lying as keeping something important… Very important from you. Don't freak out, okay?" He slowly starts to lift his sleeve. There's not just one, though. He slowly peels through many layers until he gets to one last one. He looks incredibly nervous.

"It's okay." I coax. He pulls up the sleeve and I see a row of pink scars. They are lines, across his arm. I immediately know what they are.

"Blaine I... I hurt myself." He says, seemingly calm but I know him well enough to know he is just trying to deflect his feelings. "It's been a while. I've been doing better." I realize he is almost pleading with me.

"Oh Kurt..." His eyes are wide as saucers.

"I've never told anyone before. I've been doing it since I was thirteen. Please don't tell." His eyes are suddenly filled with tears. "Please, you can't tell. My dad..." He trails off.

"I won't tell, Kurt. But I really want to help you."

"You're not going to leave me?" He asks in a small voice. My heart breaks for the scared boy in front of me.

"If course not, sweetie. I love you. But please don't do this to yourself. Try for me?" He sniffles, looking up shyly and giving me a small, sad smile. I beckon him in for a hug and he complies.

"I love you too." He mumbles into my shoulder. I blink away my own tears as he cries into my shirt. I rub his back comfortingly, whispering a string of hopefully helpful nonsense. We stay like that until we find ourselves on the bed, and Kurt, clutching to my shirt like it's a lifeline, finally stops sobbing.

"I'm sorry." He whispers. "I know they're an eyesore. They're ugly and they're just a symbol of how much I hate myself."

"You shouldn't." I say fiercely. "You're amazing." Kurt blushes but I can tell he doesn't believe it. "No, really. You're incredible. You always put others before yourself, and you're so strong. You cried when you broke up with your girlfriend that you despise! You put up with Finn Hudson without saying a word to him about what a complete and total douchebag he is!" Kurt giggles and for that I am glad; I'll do anything to see him smile. "And they're not ugly. They're a part of you." I pull up his sleeve and kiss his cuts gently. Kurt bites his lip.

"I don't deserve you, you know." He mutters.

"I happen to think it's the other way around."

* * *

The memory fades and I clean up the cut, putting my knife back in place after it's free of blood. Realizing how late it is, I get into my pajamas and hop into bed. I slowly drift to sleep.


	8. Of Gravestones and Tears

This one is pretty short, but, I'm back :) I'm having trouble with abandoned, but this was actually really fun writing. That was good. So I hope you like it, and I'm sorry it's so short. I will have another chapter soon, I think, but I'm not making any promises. This is the shortest chapter I have ever written- and that's saying something.

* * *

Blaine nervously paces right outside the gate. Go in, His mind yells at him. He takes a deep breath and walks in, clutching the flowers he'd brought in his hand tightly. His eyes are cast down as he gets to the grave.

_Kurt Hummel, 1995-2011. Son, brother and lover._ Blaine closes his eyes. "Hey Kurt." He whispers. "It's been a month since you-" His voice cracks and he can't bring himself to say it. He clears his throat. "I've come because I… I needed you."

"I need you and you aren't here." Saying the words gave him the power he needed to go on. "I don't understand. I don't understand how and why you could do this." His voice is rising in volume now. "You know Kurt, I thought a lot of things of you. I thought you were beautiful. I thought you were incredible. Yes, you could be a bit stubborn sometimes, and over protective of your pride, but it didn't make me love you any less. If anything, it made me love you more."

"I thought you were strong. I thought you were brave. I guess I was wrong." His breathing is speeding up now, and he can't stop the words from pouring out of his mouth. "I thought a lot of things about you Kurt, but I never thought you were selfish!" His eyes are blazing with anger. Emotions are rushing at him- confusion, anger, hurt, grief.

"I never thought you would be so cowardly as to leave me here! You left me here alone, Kurt! I need you and you aren't-" His voice gives out from the yelling. It lowers to a whisper.

"You told me we were going to get married. You told me you loved me. How is this fair? It's not right, how could you hurt so many people? You must have known. You must have known we would care. Did you do this to spite someone? Did you do this because you just gave up? I sure as hell don't know." His tears drip from his chin and on to the cold, hard, gravestone. He slams his eyes shut as the words just keep coming, he can't seem to stop.

"I cut myself last night, Kurt, because I wanted to know. I wanted to know why people would destroy themselves, hurt everyone who cared about them, just for the feeling of it. And I hated it. It was just pain, just physical pain to match the emotional. And I don't need that."

"Now that I've gotten that off of my chest, I…" He kneels down beside the grave. "I love you, Kurt. You know, coming here reminded me of when we came to visit your mother. I know you don't believe in heaven, but I hope you're up there with her. Because I refuse to believe you're just gone. I… I have to go now. That's all I have to say for now. I miss you and again… I love you." With that he walks out of the graveyard, wiping his face and blowing his nose. Now he's going to have to figure out how to keep his secret from his mother- her knowing would tear her apart.


	9. Of Mothers And Mourning

Short, short, short! I apologize again... life has been shitty and I haven't got a lot of time to write. I hope you guys like it though! R&R!

(Also, sorry for the repost. I saw some mistakes and fixed them.)

* * *

I walk briskly out of the graveyard, not looking back, ignoring the tears blurring my eyes. I stop, close my eyes, and take a shaky breath. _In, out. In, out._ That's what I used to tell Kurt when he had panic attacks.

Mollified, I open my eyes and continue walking. I make it to my car and open the door, hopping in and driving home. I discreetly open the door and close it as quietly as possible. I pray no one hears.

"Blaine?" I hear my mother call.

"Shit." I mutter under my breath. My mother traipses down the stairs, her curly hair bouncing with each step. I take a moment to look at her. People say we look almost identical; we've got the same hazel eyes, and curly, jet black hair. She wears hers shoulder-length, pushed behind her ears. They also say she looks much younger than her forty-six years; she'll smile and thank them politely, but I can always see the slight smirk she wears.

"Where did you go?" She questions. Rolling my eyes, I say,

"Mother, I'm eighteen. You don't need to constantly know where I am." She noticeably stiffens and snaps,

"Just answer the goddamn question, Blaine." I wince slightly at her profanity; she only curses when she's had a particularly bad day, and I'm really not in the mood for any of her crap right now. So I tell her, unable to lie.

"I was visiting Kurt." She grits her teeth.

"Blaine, stop it with the obsession with that boy! He's gone, get over it!"

"Like you've gotten over Lisa?" The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.

"Just… get out of my sight, Blaine." She hisses. I sigh, starting up the stairs, not noticing my loose sleeve slip down my arm. She gasps, and I turn around.

"What now?" Her eyes are widened with shock and horror and she's pointing at me, looking terrified.

"Mom?" I ask hesitantly.

"You… you…" She seems unable to speak. Then it hits me. I look down to my exposed arm, the cut glaring me. I purse my lips.

_This is not happening, this is not happening, this is all some fucked-up dream, soon you'll wake up, in Kurt's arms, and everything will be okay. _Not for the first time, I repeat this mantra to myself, over and over again.

"Blaine?" She says timidly. "How could you?" Her voice is so broken, so hurt.

"It's not what you think-"

"It's exactly what I think, Blaine! After everything that happened, with your sister, how could you do this? You _know,_ better than everyone, how much this hurts everyone around you!"

"I just wanted to-" She cuts me off.

"Don't give me excuses, Blaine. You can't-" This time I cut her off.

"You can't tell me what I can and can't do!" I yell. She tries to interrupt, but I put a hand up to silence her. "Let me finish."

"I wanted to understand. I wanted to know why, they would hurt everyone they loved, who loved them, for… knives, and… and pain!"

"I wanted to know why they would sacrifice everything, for this _feeling,_ this _sensation,_ this _addiction!"_ I let out a choked sob.

"But I hated it! I hated the way it made me feel! And I still don't understand! I don't understand how… how he could do this! How he could hurt me, and everyone!" At some point I had stopped talking about self-harm, and started talking about Kurt and what he did.

"How could he leave me, tell me! Tell me why I couldn't do anything, why I have to be such a screw-up that I couldn't save my boyfriend, I couldn't save my sister, I couldn't help anyone!" I'm screaming, and my throat is red and raw. Tears are steadily streaming down my cheeks.

"I want to understand!" I shriek shrilly, hysterical. "I want to understand!" My mother walks over to me.

"Come here, baby." She murmurs. I look at her. She hasn't called me my childhood pet name since I came out. "Come here." I let her take me in her arms and I just cry into her shoulder. Cry because I still don't _get it._ Cry because I don't know how to fix anything. Cry because nothing's getting better. Cry because I just want things to be normal, and I know they never will be again. Cry because my father doesn't love me, and Kurt and Lisa didn't love me enough to not abandon me.

"They left me." I whisper brokenly.

"Shhh." My mother replies. "It'll be alright, baby, just cry." We stay like that for a long time. That's the first time I knew, that with all of her faults, my mother really loved me. And she was the one who would never, ever leave.


	10. Of Bodies and Glee Clubs

10th chapter! Yay! I just realized the last two had no flashbacks- sorry, I just really wanted to get some things about Blaine in there, show you how he's coping, and a bit more of his family dynamic. I hope you liked it anyway. This flashback kind of skips a bit, but it will explain more later about his transfer; you already knew he transferred anyway because you knew he went to McKinley in the present day, so I figured why not, it goes with the chapter. It was going to be a depressing flashback, but I decided to make it happy instead. Blaine can't be miserable all the time! For the flashback, I suggest listening to I Still Think by the amazing Darren Criss. If you've never heard it, go listen to it as soon as you finish reading! It's AWESOME :) I may have changed the names, see if you can catch it. Okay, I am now finished with this hideously long AN! Here's chapter ten; Hopefully you like it, R&R!

"Please…"

"No…" Blaine's mother watches helplessly as her son tosses and turns in bed. He's shaking, curled up in a tight ball. She wonders what he could be dreaming about.

* * *

_I find myself on my doorstep, feeling strangely disoriented… it seems for a second that this isn't real, but I suddenly realize I'm covered in cold rain water, and I shiver. Okay, it could be real…_

_I feel strangely disoriented. I walk a bit closer to the door, unsure of what I'm doing, some other force guiding me, and jolt in surprise at my reflection in the glass. I guess this is a dream, because it appears in the reflection I am younger; I look to be around my… first freshman year maybe?_

_But when you're dreaming, do you know it's a dream? Or are you completely unaware? I never remember my dreams, so I wouldn't know._

_Suddenly I feel a strong urge to knock on the door, but I feel something radiating in my pocket. I pull out a house key… where did I get that? The scene gives me a strange sense of deja vu as it unfolds, but I push it back and put the key into the lock. Turn. Push._

_The door swings open, revealing an eerily empty house. I step inside, feeling like the character in those horror movies that you yell at as they're walking, _"No, don't go in there!"_ You'll scream, but they do anyways… most times, they end up dead._

_I guess I was there looking for Kurt; why else would I be there? So I call his name. It doesn't even cross my mind that he's gone, so he can't answer. And he doesn't. So I call his name again, advancing into the house. I walk up the steps, which creak loudly… I never noticed that before. When I reach the top of the steps, it comes to my attention that all of the lights are off. I search for the light switch, feeling around its normal spot, but it's… gone. Getting more and more confused, I walk down the hall._

_"Kurt, you're scaring me…" I call out. A gnawing sensation inside me says something's same sensation tells me not to open the door, not to go in Kurt's room, because I'll regret it._

_I reach the door to Kurt's room and twist the knob. I feel a bit dizzy and… disconnected, but I push on, gently nudging the door open. All of the lights are off in the room, too, many drawers open, papers askew. My eyes dart around nervously, just getting accustomed to the dark. I gulp, the sensation growing stronger than ever._

_The room is seemingly uninhabited at the moment. Biting my lip, I sit on the bed and stare at the floor, my eyes scanning it absentmindedly. When they make it to the bottom of the bathroom door, I stop and freeze in horror. I hadn't noticed before the lights in the bathroom are on, the light shining out of the small room through the cracks of the door, and if I hadn't been so scared it would have made me unexplainably and irrationally angry. But you see, I was terrified, for the light gleaming out of the bottom of the door… was red._

_I can hear my breathing grow increasingly fast, and I feel my chest constrict._

Now is not the time!_ I yell at myself. I take a few deep breaths and call yet again, in a shaky voice, "K-Kurt?" I take a few steps closer to the door. "Kurt, I think you're in there- no, I'm sure you're in there, and I'm giving you until the count of three to come out." Those few seconds feel like hours. My mind is racing, my heart beating rapidly in my chest._

_"One."_

_I don't know what's happening, and I don't even know how I got here._

_"Two."_

_This feels like it's happened before. This feels like…_

_"Three."_

_Suddenly memories rush back to me. This is exactly what happened… right before I found my sister dead, bleeding out on the bathroom floor. I feel all the blood rush from my face, and I frantically open the door, immediately wishing I hadn't. Kurt's there, alright. He's there, lying on the floor, just like Lisa, clutching a knife in his hand, his face ashen white, the dark red of the still steadily flowing blood contrasting considerably. It's everywhere, everywhere I look. _Red._ Dark, dark red. I suddenly feel sick. My hands fly to my mouth and I trip over the body to the toilet, retching, as the bile burns my throat. When I bring my head back up, a sudden wave of dizziness hits me, and I crash to the floor. Everything's black, for what seems like a second, but I don't know how long._

_When I come to, if I was thinking straight I would have called someone, anyone. It suddenly occurs to me, and I reach out for my phone, glancing down… to see my hand covered in the dark, sticky liquid. I scream, because that's my _boyfriend's_ blood, I'm covered in_ _Kurt's blood, and I realize when I fainted I landed in it. I feel sick again but force it down, standing up because I have got to get out of here._

_I can't find my phone. It's not in my pocket, and I'm sure as hell not going to look down at the floor. Than I realize; Kurt's body is in the way of the exit, having not been conscious enough to know I was doing it before, I had stepped over his body. Again I force down a wash of nausea, slamming my eyes shut and jumping. I don't care where I land, as long as it gets me over that body. Over _Kurt.

_I make it over Kurt, but then I mistakenly look down, out of some sick curiosity. My eyes well up with tears as the situation hits me like bricks to the head. Kurt's dead. Kurt's dead, and it's all my fault. I shouldn't have… I knew he was unstable._

Look at what you've done!_ The voice in my head screams. _You killed him, you fuck-up, you killed the best thing that ever happened to you! I killed Kurt. This is all my fault.

_"No!" I scream. This isn't happening. This can't be happening. It's not happening._

_"Please, please, please, please, it's not true. No, no, no!" I run out of there as quickly as I can, like the coward I am, my own words echoing in my mind._

I can't do this anymore, Kurt. Make a decision. Me, or your razor.

_"Blaine, you're so fucking stupid!" I yell. "So fucking stupid!"_

_And then the world fades to black._

* * *

I open my eyes to see my mother's looming figure above me.

"Mom?" I ask groggily. She heaves a sigh of relief.

"Are you okay?" She asks worriedly. "You were tossing and turning and talking in your sleep." My eyes blur for a moment, than I reply,

"I'm fine, mother." My voice is gravelly and my throat burns. "Um, thanks…" She nods to acknowledge she knows what I'm talking about.

"I'm your mother. It's in the job description." She says curtly. "Now, it's seven-thirty. You have to get to school." I shoot up.

"Shit, why didn't you tell me?" I demand. I had slept for three hours, having gotten back from the graveyard around four-thirty that morning. My mother bites her lip and tells me again to get to school. She leaves and I quickly go through the motions of my morning routine, running out the door. I grab my backpack and shrug it on, racing to the place I've been dreading.

It still feels weird being here without him. The school day goes by quickly. I ignore everyone, just going to class, sitting silently, and going to next class. I avoid my friends in the halls. I walks away from anyone who tries to talk to me and give them a glare.

Finally it's the end of the day. Glee.

I decide to try again. After all, if at first you don't succeed, try try again.

I shudder. That was on the note. Kurt had written it sarcastically, angrily. Sometimes I can hear those words from the note in my head, in his voice, swimming around like piranhas that just won't go away. Shaking my head to get rid of the thoughts, I cautiously walk into the choir room.

"Blaine!" Tina squeals, and engulfs me in a hug. I feel like yelling at her; how can she be so happy when I'm so goddamn miserable?

"Oh, god, Blaine, you look awful!" She exclaims.

"Thanks, Tina." I reply sarcastically, much like Kurt would have. She bites her lip.

"How've you been?" She asks, almost warily.

"Oh, I've been just great." I tell her dryly. "Kurt, the boy I planned to spend the rest of my life with is dead, my dad came home the other day- filthy _bastard_- I'm having terrible nightmares, and my life is a living hell!" Her eyes widen at the outburst, and mine mirror hers when I realize what I'd just done. Just said.

It was the first time I've ever said those awful words out loud. Kurt's dead.

I knew they were true, I just never wanted them said aloud. I didn't want the conformation.

"I'm sorry." I mutter.

"I-it's fine." She stutters. I turn on my heels and head for the door.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't have come. This really fucked me up, you guys probably don't want me around." I'm almost out the door when Tina grabs my arm.

"No, please stay, Blaine. I really miss you, and so does everyone else."

"Fine."

I sit next to her in the third row. Mike isn't here, which is weird, but that means she actually talks to me instead of sucking his face the whole time. We just started a decent conversation when Mr. Shue walks in.

"Okay guys-" He turns around and looks surprisedly at me. "Oh, hey Blaine, you're back! We've missed you!" I nod gruffly, and he continues on with his lesson.

"This week's lesson is grief." He says enthusiastically.

_Well, fan-fucking-tastic._ I think sarcastically, and opt to take a walk down memory lane instead of listening to his 'inspiring' speech. I glance around, smiling fondly at the memory of the first time I ever stepped foot in the choir room.

* * *

"Guys, please welcome our newest member, Blaine Anderson!" I grin as they all welcome me warmly- well, everyone besides Finn. But I ignore him and say,

"Thanks, guys! I can't wait to perform with you! This is so exciting!" Finn glares at me but I keep my emotions in check and sit down next to Kurt. He squeezes my hand and rests his head on my shoulder. I am surprised at the physical contact in front of all of his friends, but who am I to complain?

"Alright, guys, this week's lesson is- oh, wait, Blaine, did Kurt tell you how it works here or should I explain it?"

"I think I've got it." I say, remembering all of the times Kurt made me help him pick out songs for these lessons.

"Okay, well, this week's lesson is Love Songs!" Kurt and I grin at each other.

"So, everyone is going to sing a song about love. It doesn't necessarily have to be happy- but it has to relate to where you currently stand in your love life." Puck snorts.

"Why do you want to know about our love lives, Mr. Shue?" Mr. Shue's face flames but he continues as though nothing had happened.

"So, for sectionals…"

_*After Glee Club*_

"So what are you going to sing?" I turn around to see my boyfriend walking up behind him.

"I have some ideas." I reply vaguely. It's not a _lie_, per say; I just don't tell him I have one perfect idea.

"What are you thinking?" Kurt prods.

"Nope, it's a surprise." I smirk. Kurt groans and playfully slaps my arm.

"Blaine, you know I hate surprises!" My smirk only grows.

"Well, too bad, you have to wait. Besides, I think you'll like this one." Kurt pouts, crossing his arms over his chest. I smile.

"Has anyone ever told you you look adorable when you pout?"

He smiles back.

"Only you." I glance around, determining there's no one in the hallway, and place a chaste kiss on his lips.

"Well, they should." I tell him. He blushes. I love when he blushes; I love that I can make him blush.

"I love you." He says.

"I love you, too."

_*The Next Day In Glee Club*_

Mr. Shue walks in, clasping his hands together with a grin on his face.

"I know I only assigned this to you yesterday, but is anyone ready to perform their love song?" I jump up a bit too excitedly.

"I am!" I grin. Kurt looks at me quizzically. I dart up to the front of the room.

"Okay, guys, so this is a song I wrote… for Kurt. I actually wrote it a few weeks ago, but this is the perfect opportunity to perform it." I grab a guitar and begin the song, looking right at Kurt.

**My life is a,**

**Series of actors changing places,**

**Except there's no back stage**

**And there's no place for me.**

**It's okay though,**

**The jokes on the television**

**Make me laugh, remind me that it's okay**

**Not to have a backstage door or place to hide. **

I shrug at that and grin at Kurt, encouraging him to come up with me and dance.

**Well I've got dinner on my plate,**

**Got my paycheck yesterday.**

**How great, how cool.**

**I've got places, I've got friends,**

**I've got David, Wes, and Jeff, then..**

**There's you. **

I point at him, and he blushes.

**And now, how, we like to say that we're in love,**

**Doesn't it, seem like that should be enough,**

**But, the world will roll their eyes but I still think,**

**Well I still think that we're in love.**

"You know what? The heck with it!" I hear him mutter. He stand up and starts dancing with me.

**Oh, shoes and jackets,**

**Purses and tennis rackets,**

**Make their way as they please,**

**In those SUVs to the country club.**

**I don't play much,**

**But I do enjoy having the ball in my court,**

**And what's more,**

**I like playing, for love.**

**But I've got arms and you've got legs,**

I shrug my shoulders to indicate my arms and gesture to his legs, unable to really dance because of the guitar, but still having fun with it.

**Together we've made some mistakes.**

**But hey, we're doing well!**

**Well I've got reason to believe,**

**In the power of you and me to break,**

**This spell.**

**And now, how, we like to say that we're in love,**

**Doesn't it, seem like that should be enough,**

**But, the world will roll their eyes but I still think,**

**Well I still think that we're in love. **

I run over to him and kiss him on the cheek, making that wonderful blush color them.

**One more question:**

**How is this one big lesson?**

**I don't think that there's a quiz,**

**But if there is I'll be, outside;**

**Playing in the yard,**

**Swinging on monkey bars,**

**Exercising my life to this recess from this lesson**

**That I tried, oh **

I jump up and spin, exhilarated. Soon the rest of the glee clubbers come up and join us,

**But I've got arms and you've got legs,**

**Together we've made some mistakes.**

**But hey, we're doing well!**

Kurt dances around me, and I watch him, just soaking in the scene. It's wonderful to see him happy for once.

**Well I've got reason, to believe,**

**in the power of you and me to break,**

**this spell.**

**And now, how, we like to say that we're in love,**

**Doesn't it, seem like that should be enough,**

**But, the world will roll their eyes but I still think,**

**Well I still think that we're in love.**

**Well I still think that we're in love, love, love.**

**Well I still think that we're in love.**

Kurt and my eyes meet. He gives me a smile, a real genuine smile, that makes my heart pound in my chest and butterflies fly around in my stomach like a 13-year old girl with a crush.

** Ooh...**

I continue strumming my guitar, whistling. Kurt whistles along with me until the guitar fades out. His eyes dart from my eyes to my lips, almost hungrily, looking as though he's trying to make a decision. Then he nods, just a bit to himself, and surges forward, capturing my lips in a passionate kiss. I kiss back just as hard, forgetting the glee club is watching us, loving the feeling of his lips on mine and how our lips seem to fit together perfectly.

Eventually, we break apart for need of oxygen, blushing when we realize everyone is gaping at us.

"Wanky!" Santana exclaims.

"Dude, that's my brother!" Finn cries out. Kurt flinches at that, but doesn't say anything about it, still a bit high from the kiss.

"That was really hot." Britney says.

"Yeah," Lauren agrees. "Seriously, call me if you want some girl power." Kurt makes a face, obviously picturing what that entails, and I laugh. He glances at me, biting on his lip to keep from laughing, too. Finally the beautiful sound escapes his lips. Soon everyone's laughing, even Finn. The bell suddenly rings, and we all start to get our bags to go home.

"Come on, Kurt." I say, when we've gotten our bags. We walk out to the parking lot together.

"I thought you were going home?" He questions when I follow him to his car. I nod.

"I am, but I was figuring… you could come with me… I have the house to myself… if you're not busy…" I trail off, hoping he knows what I'm getting at.

He grins wickedly. "Now why would I pass up that opportunity?" I grin back and we hop into the car, turn on the radio, and blast it as loud as it will go.

* * *

Longest chapter I have ever published to fanfiction! 3043 words, 6 pages :) I know, it's sad that that's the longest one, but I'm still kind of excited so... as Rachel Berry would say, Don't Rain On My Parade! ;) I hope you liked it. If you didn't get it, when Blaine found Kurt dead it was the dream, which is why it was in italics.

Next Chapter: Blaine's father is back! Doesn't he get that no one likes him? Finn has a breakdown and Blaine's the only one who can comfort him… but they're not exactly close…

Until next time, fellow Gleeks!

xo Jordan


	11. Of Beatings And Pleadings

Hey! So another chapter… I am finally back! I don't have my own laptop anymore, so I only get an hour a day on the computer, and I have to type up everything I wrote in my journals when I was away, but the updates might be faster. Weird, right? I don't know. So this was 14 pages in my journal (well, 13 complete ones and some of the 14th page) but it was a lot of fun to write! Sorry for another Avril Lavigne song, but I thought it fit perfectly. In the song, bold is Finn and italics is Blaine and both is.. well both.

So yeah. I hope you like the chapter. It was not what I planned, but eh, whatever. By the way, thank you to everyone who wished me well and gave reviews. It actually helped more than you will know and I am doing so much better, if you're interested. If you're not ignore my babbling. Okay, now I'm done talking. Sorry guys! Hope you like the chapter :)

With a jolt, I snap back to reality. No one has noticed I'd checked out, which is good. That's how I want it.

"So I'll pick your duet partner out of the hat." Mr. Shue is saying. He fishes two out. "Rachel and Santana!" Ooh. That's going to end in a cat fight.

"Finn and Blaine!" What? Everyone turns to stare at me and I turn red, realizing I'd said it aloud.

"That a problem?" Mr. Shue asks with his eyebrows raised. His tone... it makes me shudder. Reminds me of my father, which leads me to blurt out,

"No, sir, everything's fine." The man gives me a strange look (probably because of my frantic tone and my calling him _sir_) but turns back to the piano, where the hat sits. Of all people. Finn. My dead boyfriend's brother, the only one alive that knows my secret. I don't hear the rest of the names, lost in thought, so I jump when my teacher claps and exclaims,

"Alright! Get into your pairs and brainstorm!" Finn and I stare at eachother, fidgeting.

"Okay, so um, grief." I say awkwardly. It's a subject I know a lot about, but I'm not about to talk first.

""You want to go to the library and, um, do some r-research?" He asks just as awkwardly.

"Um, yeah." We walk silently through the hall on the way to the library until Finn turns to me, eyes widened.

"Blaine?"

"Yeah?"

"Your concealer... it's fading." My eyes widen as well and I rush to my locker to grab the concealer, surprised when Finn follows me. But I ignore him and and slip into the nearest bathroom. I swear when I see myself in the mirror; Finn was right, most of it had faded, leaving my black eye exposed. And looking in that mirror, I realize how awful I actually look. My hair is ungelled, a complete mess. My skin looks almost ghostly, and when I rub the rest of the concealer off, I see the bruise clearly, purple and splotchy.

"Let me guess. Your dad was home." Finn states loudly.

"Shut up!" I hiss at him, covering his mouth. "Do you want someone to find out?"

"Maybe someone should." He replies, pushing my hand away. I take a sharp intake of breath.

"You can't," I say, my voice panicked and shaky. "You can't tell, Finn. Promise me. Please." I remember saying the exact same words to Kurt in a time that seems so long ago.

* * *

"Ah!" I cry, jolting up. Kurt stirs beside me, half awake.

"Nightmare?" He mumbles, rubbing his eyes and sitting up.

"Um, yeah. I'm fine. You can go back to sleep." Seemingly more alert now, Kurt looks at me with worried eyes.

"Love, you're shaking."Sure enough, when I raise my hand to rub my eyes, I find said hand is in fact shaking furiously.

"What was it about?" Kurt asks soothingly.

"I don't remember." I lie. I remember it perfectly clearly. He bites his lip, looking as though he wants to say more, but yawns instead. I kiss his forehead.

"Go to sleep, baby. I'll be fine." He raises an eyebrow doubtfully, starting to speak, but is interrupted by another yawn, so he recedes.

"Night, Blainey." He mutters, and is out like a light. I sigh and lie back down, putting my arm around Kurt and closing my eyes. I am almost asleep when I hear the loud slamming of a door, which wakes Kurt up.

"Get down here, boy!" I hear a voice call. A voice that is harsh and belongs to my bastard father. I swear and Kurt blinks blearily.

"What's wrong?" He asks tiredly. Instead of replying, I tell him,

"Kurt, you have to hide, like, _now_! Get up!" Surprised by my demanding demeanor, he jumps up and throws his clothes on, giving me only a fleeting moment to admire his figure. Though scarred, it is still beautiful. He looks around helplessly for a place to hide while I get up and dressed as well.

"Just…" I spot my walk-in closet. "Hide in there." He rushes into the closet just as my father stalks in.

"I told you to come downstairs." He snaps, voice grating. I cast my eyes down, staring at my feet.

"I'm sorry, sir."

"Look at me when you speak!" I hesitantly look up into his condescending glare.

"I'm sorry, sir."_ Slap._ The sound rings out and I hear a slight gasp from Kurt. My father luckily does not notice. He smirks at me.

"Please, you're not sorry." I look back down. "Now," He continues. "I was just talking with the president of the new company I'm working with, and we decided to have a party to celebrate the new partnership." A party. Great. I know exactly where this is going. "You are going to bring the president's daughter as your date-" At my open mouth he holds up a finger to silence me. "-and you are_ going_ to like it."

"Dad, I have a boyfriend. I'm not going on a date with a girl, or anyone for that matter." I say before I can stop myself. He narrows his eyes at me.

"You're delusional!" He yells at me. "You don't like that stupid fairy!"

"You're right, Dad! I don't! I _love_ him!" I yell right back, ignoring my fear. My father is dangerously quiet. He walks up to me, so close I can feel his hot breath on my neck.

"You don't love him." He almost whispers. I get chills and I'm almost shaking in fear, because who knows what he'll do next? "Get it through your thick skull!" He screams. And the punch comes out from nowhere. I cry out in pain and double over.

"Please, not now." I beg. His lips curl into a snarl.

"Oh, but what better time than now?" A kick to the stomach with his pointed shoes makes me fall to the ground. When he's sober (like right now), he makes sure not to hit my face. He knows it will be hard to explain the bruises if they're there too often.. But when he's wasted, he really just doesn't care. The hits to my face hurt less, but there's usually more hits because he has no qualms to killing me. So I'm not exactly sure which is worse. Though when he's drunk, he usually gets sick sometime after he beats me, which I have to clean up or I'll get beat some more. The first time I did that I vomited myself. God, I hate it when my father's home. He's still hitting me and I just lie there and take it.

"That's it!" I hear suddenly. My eyes widen as Kurt bursts out of the closet, livid. His eyes are a way I've never seen them before: grey, full of cold, hard hatred. And he's staring my father down.

"Hello." He spits out. "I'm that stupid fairy you were talking about._ Pleasure_ to meet you." If I weren't in so much pain, I would probably laugh at his wit. I swear if Kurt could burn things with his eyes, my father would have two holes burnt though his head.

"I don't think this has anything to do with you." The man replies in the same tone as Kurt. Said boy takes a step closer.

"It has _everything_ to do with me." He hisses, full on enraged. "You beating _my boyfriend_ has _everything_ to do with me." He repeats. "And you're going to stop right now. Unless you want anyone else to find out? Preferably the police." For a moment a flicker of fear flits across my father's face. Then it returns to his normal angry mask. Kurt juts his chin out triumphantly and before anyone can stop him, he scoops me up. I must have felt ridiculously heavy;we're almost the same size. I would protest, saying I can walk, I'm fine, but my head is spinning and I'm just so tired….

The next thing I know I'm lying in a soft bed. It smells just like Kurt and I stuff my head into one of the pillows and inhale deeply through my nose. It's calming.

"You're awake, I see?" An amused Kurt says. I feel the blood rush to my face and I sit up, embarrassed. Taking in my surroundings, I realize I'm in my boyfriends room. He hands me a cup of coffee, saying he was just about to wake me up.

"I know how much you love coffee." He smiles. I smile back gratefully. It's strong and black, just the way I like it. I try to understand, and, perceiving this, Kurt jets over in alarm. But it's too late; I feel a sharp pain in my side. Crying out, I collapse back onto the bed. And the memories come flooding back.

"Oh my god, Kurt…" I murmur. The boy sits down next to me on his bed.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asks, sounding hurt. "I told you _everything_." Guilt consumes me. He's right. I had been very careful; I had made sure all the bruises were gone before we had sex; I wore long sleeves and concealer that always hit my bruises well. I'm about the speak when Kurt continues.

"But I can't believe I didn't notice." He says angrily. "How could I be so _fucking stupid!_ You help me with everything and I don't even notice you're getting _beaten_!" He falters. "I'm so, so, sorry." He whispers. Which makes me even more guilty. Because it isn't his fault. "Blaine, you know we have to tell someone." My blood freezes.

"What? No!"

"Well I can't just sit here and let you go back to… to _that_!"

"No, please! I'll be out at the end of the year. We're going to move in together, remember? It's not worth it… everything will get complicated and we'll probably have to go to court and… I don't want any of that! I just want to live a normal life!"

"You think that's _normal_?" He practically yells, obviously horrified.

"No! I mean normal for... me." He's silent, running his hands through his hair, taking deep breaths. I know what that means: he's trying not to have a panic attack; and if he does have one it's all my fault. I wait for him to calm down and continue to plead.

"You can't!" He looks to me and purses his lips. "You can't tell Kurt, please!" He sighs and sits back down on the bed.

"Fine." He gives in. "But I'm going to text you every night before bed and wait up until I get a response. And if I don't get one I'm going down to your house, whether it be nine or one in the morning."

"Okay." I whisper.

* * *

Now, Finn purses his lips much like his brother.

"I don't…" He stumbles over his words. "Look, the day I found out about this I was going to tell." I stare at him, alarmed. "Kurt begged me not to. And because I owed him so much, I promised him I wouldn't tell. But this is too much… and I'm beginning to think I made a mistake."

"Please Finn, I-" He cuts me off.

"We have to practice. We can deal with this shit later. I can't do this right now."

"Okay." I reply gratefully. I put my concealer on and we begin to walk to the library once again. Suddenly the boy stops.

"I got it." He says. " The perfect song."

000000000000000000000000000000000000

The next glee club rehearsal, our teacher begins by asking if any of us have our assignment ready. I shoot up.

"Finn and I have been working really hard on ours for the past few days." I tell him. "I think we're ready." He gestures to the front of the room and we both step down.

"This is When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne." Finn says. The music begins and Finn starts to sing.

**I always needed time on my own**

**I never thought I'd need you there when I cried**

**And the days feel like years when I'm alone**

**And the bed where you lied**

**Is made up on your side.**

I look at the pain on Finn's face and I suddenly wonder how it must feel to walk past that empty bedroom everyday. Thinking of my dead boyfriend's room gives me a familiar pang of longing in my chest.

**When you walk away I count the steps that you take**

**Do you see how much I need you right now?**

I join in for the chorus.

**_When you're gone_**

**_The pieces of my heart are missing you_**

**_When you're gone_**

**_The face I came to know is missing too_**

**_When you're gone_**

**_The words I need to hear to make it through the day and make it okay…_**

**_I miss you._**

I begin to sing alone.

_I've never felt this way before_

_Everything that I do reminds me of you_

I close my eyes, willing myself to keep it together.

_And the clothes you left,_

_They lie on the floor_

_And they smell just like you_

_I love the things that you do._

Once, Kurt and I lent each other each other's shirts. Just for one day, we both said. I never got mine back and I still have his. I never wash that shirt.. Sometimes I sleep with it, and just smell it. I have this weird fear that my mother or someone will take it and wash it and then his smell will be gone. And if his smell is gone, I feel like he's gone forever, that there would be nothing left of him. Because if I close my eyes and just breath it in, sometimes it feels like Kurt is there with me.

_When you walk away_

_I count the steps that you take_

_So you see how much I need you right now?_

Finn joins in.

_**When you're gone**_

_**The pieces of my heart are missing you**_

_**When you're gone**_

_**The face I came to know is missing too**_

_**When you're gone**_

_**The words I need to hear to make it through the day**_

_**And make it okay**_

_**I miss you**_

And then it's just me, my broken voice projecting my pain throughout the room.

_We were made for each other_

_Out here for ever_

_You know we were_

_Yeah, and all I ever wanted was for you to know_

_Everything I do, I give my heart and soul_

_I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me_

And to my dismay, I feel traitorous tears running down my cheeks. Finn joins in again for the chorus, and when I turn around I am surprised to see he has tears streaming down his face, too. He gives me a small smile.

_**When you're gone**_

_**The pieces of my heart are missing you**_

_**When you're gone**_

_**The face I came to know is missing too**_

_**When you're gone**_

_**The words I need to hear to always get me through the day**_

_**And make it okay**_

_**I miss you**_

Our final note rings throughout the room. Said room does not have a dry eye.

"Thanks." I murmur, and rush back to my seat. I hear Finn mumble something incoherently as he walks back to his seat as well.


End file.
